Should you homeschool
It is worth really hearing what a child is trying to communicate. My son used to object to attending his judo classes, claiming they were a ‘waste of time.’ Later, he described upsetting behaviour from his brothers a ‘waste of time’. At first I thought, he just couldn’t be bothered. Then I gave it some more thought.
“Should you homeschool?” Well now, have you seen the title of my blog? “There is no should be.” I mean, we can always carry on with “should be”s, but almost by definition it is usually idealistic. Because if ‘should be’ was a reality, it surely ‘would be’.
There is no ‘should not’ or ‘should’ you homeschool. There are always going to be individual circumstances for parents and children. However, in this blog post, I hoped to look at different ways to look at and consider if school is doing all you hoped for your child, and if it really is the best course of life experience and education for your child that it purports to be.
Many people who choose to homeschool make their decision completely outwith the school system. They do so because they believe it to be a valuable and viable option for their children. This article is written in mind with those currently invested in the school system. As a very traditional person, I was very surprised that school didn’t work out, and it took the best part of a decade to eventually fully commit to homeschooling. There were a lot of signs that finally led me to realise that school was not giving my children the education, experience and life that I hoped for them.
Below are some tell tale signs I observed that I have collated…
But first…
Child care
The first thing to consider in the question of ‘should you school’ is that school has become first and foremost a child care institution. I can absolutely guarantee that the very vast majority of children are not gaining and absorbing a formal academic education for the full allotted 7 school hours, 5 days a week. Would you be? As an adult?
I’m not saying they’re not learning other valuable life skills during this time. They are learning many life lessons during these school hours. Many children flourish in the busy, vibrant and noisy social setting. And many of those who don’t necessarily thrive, well, they often develop useful and satisfactory coping skills to function alongside their peers and in the mainstream.
I suspect if you’re reading this, you might be suspecting that your child may not be thriving in the school setting. They may be developing coping mechanisms that are less conducive to growing and developing how you had hoped and envisaged. You know your child, and you know the where they were heading. You know their values, you know their interests, their scope and their capacity. Children in the school system who are just surviving, rather than growing well and thriving, may be exhibiting behaviours that just don’t add up to how you know they can be.
School is not going to be the only reason for adverse behaviour, only you know your personal circumstances. Only you know your child’s surroundings, but you don’t know how their surroundings are perceived. Sensitive children will perceive differently than a more laid back child.
Also…
When children communicate
Of course, any time of transition will illicit a change of behaviour. In the first week of school, perhaps the first few weeks, they may exhibit different, perhaps converse behaviours. However, if they feel secure and well integrated this should surely relax out. And if they do not feel secure, well again, they may not. But don’t expect children to be able to explain complex, manipulative behaviour and how it affects them. Who can? Children who are struggling intensely are often not able to identify their struggles and then communicate it effectively. Children can have chronic, long standing constipation, or bed wetting, or sleep problems, for years, and never be able to correlate it with their struggles in school.
A child might talk of a trivial matter that might easily be overlooked, and this is the beginning of them learning to describe that there is a problem. Even adults often don’t know how to put their finger on the root of a problem. The problem a child describes might not be the central issue that is causing them distress. They know they are feeling (something like distress or worry), and what they put their finger on that is the root of their worry is not likely to actually be the key issue. For example, they might communicate an issue they have with a peer, when their deep concern (that they won’t identify until adulthood) is actually relating to an adult in charge.
When considering ‘should you homeschool’ it is worth really hearing what a child is trying to communicate. My son used to object to attending his judo classes, claiming they were a ‘waste of time.’ Later, he described adverse behaviour from his brothers a ‘waste of time’.
Behaviour to look out for
Hyperactivity
Hyper activity, impulsive behaviour, defiance – stealing, lying and sneaking can effect daily life. Contented children usually relax after a tiring day of running around and swinging in the park, eating well and a structured bed time routine. When considering ‘should you homeschool’, I think one of the telling signs to take careful note of in the behaviour of your child is that symptoms increase, not decrease, with tiredness. I always noticed this difference. Children experiencing anxiety and hyperactivity don’t necessarily have improved symptoms after what would be a fulfilled day. They are not always able to make decisions that are well thought through and good for them in the long run.
You can notice how these traits affect your relationships – grabbing, snatching, throwing, breaking, hitting, kicking – these behaviours can reach a point where it affects your day to day living, your ability to socialise, run basic errands and visit family. Folk will always say “that’s kids for you…” But when it intensifies to the point that it impacts you and your family in an isolating way, it becomes hard to accept sitting back and shrugging.
These traits you might argue are also reminiscent of certain strands of neurodiversity, but to tell whether the symptoms indicate stress or discontent in your child we can look for changes, or increases in behaviour.
As I often say, children are not meant to be stressed. Stress is not a sign that a child is growing. In fact, quite the opposite. Of course, certain stresses are also toxic for adults, but we are definitely more resilient in the face of stress than children. Stress affects children in a way that shapes their future. Stress in fact makes a child less resilient.
Anxiety
Various anxiety related behaviours can show up and leak out of children as they soldier through each day. Anxiety related behaviour such as sleep problems, withdrawing from physical affection, eating issues, challenges with toileting, stomach pain, rashes and illness can be signs of stress. Children can’t often explain the roots of these symptoms, but it is a guardian’s job to advocate for their child. ‘Should you homeschool?’ – do these symptoms correlate? Maybe your child was very cuddly and close – I noticed a difference in one of my children – they became withdrawn and didn’t want to come in close. This changed after we allowed him homeschooling.
Self regulate
When a child is threatened or compromised, their ability to self regulate can diminish. Maybe your child was always an emotional child. Maybe they always seemed quite easy going. Is there a change in their self regulation? Are you experiencing language and manners, rage and anger, attitude and adverse behaviour that you wouldn’t have expected from your child? Are they beginning to show resent towards you, or their siblings?
Children are always going to learn habits and patterns of behaviour from their peers. There is an epidemic of unmonitored internet availability in the homes of young children. Conversation and behaviour cannot be fully monitored by teachers in schools – in classrooms or elsewhere in the school. In schools children enter into a social hierarchy run by children, with the occasional caption given by an educational member of staff.
Sibling rivalry
Part of the unschooling process is allowing children the space to love and respect one another as siblings. Don’t homeschool siblings fight? Of course they do – they learn the most about themselves through their siblings, their greatest adversaries. I have however noticed a difference in the amount of resent towards one another, and the time they have and make for one another. This is not a comparison between homeschool and schooled children’s sibling rivalry, but my observation of my children, who felt very compromised at school, and their response in relation to their siblings. ‘Should you homeschool?’ – For my children who found school challenging, and acted as such, I found care, compassion and positivity towards their siblings gradually improved as soon as we began to unschool.
Peers
How do they talk of their peers? Considering the amount of time in a school day that they are partaking in the self governing heirarchy system of their peers, it is really worth considering whether they are learning well and beneficially in the system they find themselves in. It can be a hierarchy where they are told what they should and shouldn’t like, within or outwith education. Plenty of children can play this game well. Some can not. Don’t be fooled that adverse social experiences prepare our children for their future. What our children are learning, is what they will carry with them into life.
Lack of interest
Does your child have the sparkle that you know in them? Are they enthused on their interests? Do they engage as you know they normally would. Do they communicate as they usually do? Are they starting to feel they shouldn’t watch a certain show, play with a certain toy, or have a certain interest? We are the adults responsible in their lives – we send them where they ought to go. And don’t they know it. ‘Should you homeschool?’ If they are not communicating, or engaging or playing as you know them to – take note.
Conversely, a lack of interest may present as a new found interest – not engaging, or hiding away, can also look like a sudden increase in reading books, hiding away somewhere, watching tv, or playing computer games. These activities can be positive. Sometimes it’s hard to discern, when reading is a positive activity, whether it is a subconscious tool for disengaging.
I observed in my son, who loves to read very much, that when we began homeschooling he became much more willing to participate in conversation, or play with his brothers, where he normally would be behind a book. He still reads, but he now also engages.
School behaviour
Is your child getting into trouble in school? Maybe there are problems with peers, or maybe they’re disrupting the class. Maybe there is rudeness and problems with manners, or aggression. The school place is often not designed to let children run around and let off steam (as children would). High energy children get into trouble with staff, and even with peers. Anxious children can be hyper vigilant, and show behaviour that is disruptive in the classroom and for the teachers. Children who struggle with the noisy environment of the school, or the complex social patterns of their peers can be perceived as troublesome for teachers. They also are not learning in this environment.
We tend to value conscientiousness highly. Children who work hard are highly rewarded. No problem with that. However, a lot of people tend towards disagreeableness. And like all traits, this has its benefits. School is not an environment that nurtures the children who are not so automatically eager to please. But with school also not asking difficult ethical questions, and often making corporate assumptions, you have to wonder if children are being fully and adequately prepared for their future.
These children are surviving the environment they find themselves in. Some children do benefit from a different environment where they can thrive. It is a long term investment, but I found the benefits can be seen right from the get go. The benefits are immediate.
Behaviour is communication
When we consider all these behaviours, and wonder ‘should you homeschool’, as parents we are weary and desperate to find some answers. We know who our children can be. We know what they’re capable of, socially and behaviourally. Very often this behaviour is not manipulative. It is often the behaviour of a coping, feeling child, trying to survive, trying to make sense of an inescapable, daily situation they find themselves in.
It’s not all bad
There’s always more than one way to address an issue. Homeschooling isn’t for every child, every parent or every family. There’s more than one way to nurture a child. There’s no one size fits all. Identifying a problem is an important first step in putting in place some changes. Should you homeschool? If you are reading my article, it might be that homeschooling is an option you are considering. Or maybe not.
Homeschool can seem very overwhelming. I am writing from the perspective of one and a family where it appears to be an improvement in my children’s development. And of course for me as a parent, it is an improvement for me if my children are on a trajectory of a balanced and wholesome lifestyle. In actual fact it can be an opportunity to make changes for your whole family. Lifestyle changes need to happen to make it a positive experience for everyone involved. Changes like these presumably already happened when your baby was born – changes in your living space, changes in your car, changes in work, changes in hobbies, changes in your social life. There’s always going to be a lot to consider for such a dramatic change, and such a marathon of an endeavour. I have found it to be an endeavour worth the effort. Children learn self motivation. They pursue passions and interests. Children are able to feel connection and belonging in their home. They are able to appreciate their living space, a primal instinct. There is flexibility for them and their time, and how they use it as individuals. Maybe you feel you might hinder them academically or socially. Here are a few thoughts on these topics.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/carve-out-me-time-in-homeschool/
Academic encouragment
But allowing your child to discover their own motivation to learn is not hindering them academically, it’s giving them autonomy and agency. It’s allowing them to relearn loving to learn. Do you remember how curious your little one was as an infant. Children who lose the love of learning do not do so as a result of age – it is a result of the environment.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/make-your-curriculum-work-for-you/
Social encouragement
There is a culture in school that favours the bully. Children are required to acquire a ‘thicker skin’. Bullies must be allowed to stay in school, and class, at all costs. Sensitive children do not learn they can create boundaries. They learn that they are trapped in a school system for their whole adolescence.
Homeschool allows children to seek out likeminded friends. Children gain the autonomy of saying no. Or they can be encouraged to persist in a situation. And they can be allowed to take their space when needed. These are all so important in encouraging confidence in relationships.
What will lead them through the majority of their adult lives will in fact be their very close, hopefully family relationships. Setting them up to feel confident in establishing healthy relationships, and creating any boundaries, will be instrumental in their future endeavours. Identifying relationships that are perhaps not healthy is a vital skill. Demonstrating that they can expect to be treated kindly and with respect is imperative, and show them the importance of behaving with kindness and self control. Allowing them to step outside the crowd to see it for what it was in relation to your child, can be very healing, and liberating.
It does in fact take time to find meaningful relationships organically, and there are always going to be challenging circumstances within these. Being surrounded by peers in school and calling them all friends can be an illusion. There are only so many people you can truly call friends.
It is work as a parent facilitating relationships, and different people have a higher, or lower therapeutic dose of socialising. That’s a call each family needs to make in relation to their own situation, at school and at home.
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