Jordan Peterson
I am a Jordan Peterson fan. I mean, not as much as Martha Argerich, but I have appreciated his content for years. He is a psychologist, author and online content creator. I find him to have very good, compassionate logic on most topics (I can’t agree with everything he says, I’m not a monkey). He also has a lot to say on the topic of parenting. With such a wealth of knowledge I find it very hard to oppose his perspectives. However, watching a debate between himself and Gabor Mate several years back, I found that although I could see what he was saying, I wasn’t able to apply it in my own children’s life.
Parenting advice by Jordan Peterson
Jordan Peterson has very clear advice on parenting. Don’t let your child do anything that makes you dislike them. Avoid taking revenge. Help your child learn how to act so people can smile and be happy to be around them. Don’t mollycoddle your children. (Although he has also alluded to the importance of proper, age appropriate supervision.) Acknowledging who’s bigger in the relationship, we are so much more capable of hurting and being trickier than our child. These are notes I have taken.
And why
I can see the logic here – it is our responsibility to teach our children how to function in the world around us. It sort of comes down to ‘manners maketh man’. But it’s deeper than that – it is preparing our children for when they are the big guys, with the world at their fingertips, and their minions beneath them, whether professionally, in communities, with friends, or in family relationships when they are perhaps hand in hand with a more submissive or agreeable personality, or a younger person or child. This is when they must know how to harness their temperament.
The debate on time out
The debate in question between Jordan Peterson and Gabor Mate was around the topic of ‘time out’ for kids. There were two points of view here. Is it best to draw the line and require our children to ‘choose a good day’ if they are going to be included in our circle. This seemed to be Peterson’s view. Or are we able to absorb the unwanted behaviour, and show our children unconditional love regardless, allowing them to remain in our space. And this I think was Gabor Mate’s opinion.
Quite honestly, the mother in me wanted to align with Mate’s opinion. I think this side of me wants to protect my child at all costs. There is another side though, another voice in my head that urges me to stand a little straighter and require better behaviour from them, for their own benefit.
But I have a problem with the implementation of this straight talking strategy. The problem is me.
My problem – keep your room tidy
On a slightly different but not unconnected note, Jordan Peterson urges us all to keep our rooms tidy. Here lies the problem. To me, a tidy room signifies good self regulation, good organisation, basically to have my ducks in a row, emotionally and physically. But I don’t.
I really think this child on the step advice was intended for families who have their stuff in order. Those parents who are well regulated in any situation can follow this kind of advice. Well, this was not me.
ADHD in the family
I was disregulated with my disregulated child, and it was those years ago around the time of watching the debate that I had read Mate’s book and realised my own ADHD, and that of my son’s. At the time I was fully aligned with Mate’s rational. I had to absorb my son’s emotions. It made so much sense to me at the time, especially as trying to keep my son on the step was ridden with desperate panic, clinging to me with all his might and screaming.
I came to understand that the physiological state, or function, of the ADHD brain is similar to that of someone with PTSD. With so much of panic and emotional turmoil it was very clear to me back then – don’t turn my child out to the naughty step. Instead, support them through their struggle.
My problem with both arguments
I do now weigh both of these arguments with oscillating opinions. The two sides of the coin seem to disregard either a healing opportunity, or the need to facilitate self regulation.
From one side…
I have a personal catch phrase of don’t try and fix your kid’s behaviour if you are less regulated than they are.
As adults we must at least be more regulated than our children if we’re going to tackle behaviour.
I went through a phase of allowing my children space, or hugging them tight if they needed it in the face of their adverse behaviour. My children still take a lot of comfort and self regulation from tight squeezes. They will sit on my lap and take my arms, wrapping them tightly around them until the correct squeezy tightness is achieved.
I was willing to be horribly late if we could maintain kindness and understanding in whatever we were doing, and we were, regularly horribly late as we worked through this phase. But equally, I gradually learned to become more regulated, and less and less I caused these flare ups. Because the truth was, my own emotional state, and my own disorganisation and lack of a ‘tidy room’ really was a large part of the cause of the flare ups.
I’m afraid I am still quite unorganised. And I do still have my own struggles. They need to stay in a camp that doesn’t affect the children – in fact we very much enjoy one another’s company. Putting shoes on is still a challenge in our house, but at least we usually know where to find 1, sometimes even 2 shoes, often from the same pair… When we can’t, well, change has to start from me, so…
…Moving over to the other side
But as we grow I am increasingly more pragmatic with my approach, and I feel increasingly more aligned with Jordan Peterson’s point of view. This is namely requiring them to choose a ‘good day’ before they can rejoin the pack. Clearly we adults need to be in positive state of ‘good day’ to enforce this requirement. Shaming children for impulsive behaviour has never been a productive method, in fact it aggravates the behaviour patterns more. But I offer them an out. In the face of unwanted behaviour they are given the opportunity to regulate, or come for a squeeze. But if they don’t choose the ‘good day’ option, I will ask them (in my state of regulatedness of course, (or it’s best to revert back to the unconditional love tact and stick alongside them)) to take themselves out and apply themselves to a task. The older children might be put to work with the perpetual laundry until they can ‘choose a good day’. The younger one might be asked to take his behaviour outside, or put pyjamas on, or look after his hamster (which enormously helps his self regulation) until he can ‘choose a good day’.
But this was not a strategy I could use in all fairness if I myself wasn’t willing to self regulate. And it is a willingness – as adults we are very able to adjust our behaviour in different company.
To listen
One overriding theme that kept on showing itself through this process was in tandem with the old adage behaviour is communication. A lot of the unwanted behaviour that I was experiencing from my child was largely connected to the difficult behaviour he was experiencing at school. There was more happening in his life than he was able to describe or process properly.
(This blog highlights various behaviours that indicated the state school wasn’t work for my children) https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/should-you-homeschool/
The more the doors of communication and understanding were loosening, the more I was becoming aware of his struggles and experiences. My child was not irrationally disregulated without a background of complexities. The truth is that applying himself to the job at hand, or allowing him to take time helps him to process and work through his experiences and emotions. Trying to fix it for him doesn’t help him long term, nor does soothing his pride or his ego.
Confidence
We are a family that seems to seek out comfort. We are impulsive, messy, creative and strong willed. Our house is not yet tidy. But it’s not as bad as it was. There is work to be done. Also metaphorically. We have many animals to comfort us. Horses, chickens, dogs, rabbits and a hamster. They bring more relationships for us to hone our personalities with. They distract me from the tension I feel. In his book, Scattered Minds – The origins and healing of attention deficit disorder, Gabor Mate described my condition perfectly. It was the first step to my understanding my neurodiversity.
And it was the first vital step to my journey of care and compassion for myself and for my family, and for us to feel confident in ourselves. Along the journey, Jordan Peterson’s take in the debate became increasingly important to me as we stepped out, and are now learning to behave in a way that we can feel confident around others. So that we can educate, and they can learn to behave in a way others will like to be around.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/fostering-creativity-in-everyday-life/