Intuition for bullied children
In this discussion on intuition for bullied children I am referring to the book From My Hands to Yours, by Monty Roberts. It is a book on training horses – lessons that walks the reader through a journey of understanding for the training of horses. Of course our children are not horses, but there are many overlaps that I hope you will see, when discussing the fight and flight instinct in humans, and the predator and flight (prey animals) in nature. Predators will act violently towards the weak and vulnerable, which I think is significant when looking at patterns of bullying. Then looking at the autistic traits in people – many can be likened to the traits of flight animal instincts.
To be and not to be bullied
Have you noticed the pattern? I have. With me, and with certain children, I’ve noticed that wherever we go, there is a recurring theme of dominance, stamping on or bullying. It must be my problem, right? Or my child’s? There is a pattern amongst children who repeatedly find themselves victims of bullying. Some children find themselves in this position by chance, from simply being put in the spotlight by a bully. Others, who are of a more sensitive nature, find themselves unable to navigate the labyrinth of social cues enough to keep themselves afloat around their peers. And their peers will often never know the extent of the impression on others, of what they say.
Easy prey
This pattern is described as ‘stunned fish’ by Monty Roberts in his book From My Hands to Yours. The pattern acknowledges the vulnerability of a fish used as bait, where thrown into a school of countless unaffected fish as bait will attract the desired predator fish. The bait fish, thrown back in, emulates weakness and vulnerability and is recognised as ‘easy prey’ by the predator fish, and selected out from the school of the hundreds of healthy (unaffected) fish. Once bullied, it’s hard to shed the name.
Children who have been bullied likewise inadvertently give out signals of vulnerability.
As people, we are fight and flight beings. I think we all know people that live out the fight approach. People who unthinkingly pick on the ‘weak’ and vulnerable people around them. It happens at school and at home, often one environment aggravating the environment of the other. Of course these people can be peers or teachers – it is very easy for teachers to lose their patience, or worse, with the ‘weaker’, hyper vigilant or silent child. There can be one set of rules for the confident, fun loving child; and contempt and disapproval for the sensitive, hyper aware child. Teachers and pupils can pick up on these anxiety prone children, and in a culture of ‘survival of the fittest’, it is the very special friend or teacher who does not judge them as ‘easy prey’.
Intuition of bullied children
Of course, children pick up on these discrepancies. They are noticed. Children are very quick to notice patterns of behaviour, what is fair and what is not fair. They soon come to notice one set of rules for one sibling, and a different set of rules for another.
Autistic children and intuition
Autistic children can be prone to this situation. In his book, Monty Roberts points out the cross over of traits in flight animals and autistic people. He states ‘they are seldom sure that people with autism can fit into the society around them’. Autistic people can be ‘nonverbal and strong creatures of habit… comforted by a world that revolves around routine and repetition often become distracted my minute details… dislike eye contact and find difficulty in approaching face-on, tending to come close only when outside a person’s direct vision.’
These would all be carefully curated social cues amongst peers that, missed out on, can make a child seem ‘easy prey’.
Distractibility
But the distractibility and hyper vigilance that in the human world is seen as disfunctional, in the horse world is a mechanism of survival. It can seem that distractibility in children is something that would be much better unlearned. These children should be taught out of it. After all it is at the cost of our (us parents’ or teachers’) intentions for them. They should be concentrating on their homework, or their table manners, or putting their shoes on, and just getting in the car.
I think it is important to consider though, that regardless of the limited eye contact, our children are always reading our body language, our physical cues, and feeding off our demeanour, be it crazy or calm. During these flare ups we can take the opportunity to demonstrate a calm, self controlled demeanour, keeping our heart rate low to synchronise our relaxed state with them.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/act-justly-love-mercy-and-walk-humbly-with-god/
Opportunities of intuition for bullied children
Let’s be clear before I continue here, this is the goal, not always the reality. This is what I strive for, in my own human condition.
In these moments of discord that our children endure, these are our opportunities to demonstrate as their parental leader that they are in a safe environment. It is our natural response to rise to any frustration that might meet us. The natural preference is to correct unorthodox behaviour. However, as parents fostering an environment of intuition for bullied children, we need to maintain our composure and keep it all low key. They can be het up about something, but our breathing is calm and steady, we keep a gentle, reassuring smile, and our relaxed temperament is one that is safe for them to synchronise with.
Sometimes it might seem counter productive, to remain calm in the face of unwanted behaviour. It can look like complacency, and for children who are simply pushing the boundaries, it can be. But for children who are processing anxiety, low self-esteem, change or social discomfort, the process of unschooling, or building intuition, does require a certain laying down of arms.
Emulating and synchronising
In his book, Monty Roberts advises that what he must do (when training horses) is ‘pull adrenaline down, relax and respond in a cool, unhurried fashion’. He goes on, ‘If you act out ballistically, your horse is apt to emulate your actions. Often this will escalate so that the horse and trainer simply alternate unacceptable behaviour until there is an outright fight that never solves problems. Many horses have been permanently damaged by this phenomenon and good horsemen should seek to understand and control this response to fear.’ From My Hands to Yours, Monty Roberts, p24
Does this not describe the wrestle between parent/teacher/peer and the flight child perfectly? We can be encouraged that it need not be a fight. If we can hold before we react, or condone, or blame, we find the problem is not that of the flight child.
Lots to think about here – with horses and children. I’m
Always challenged by your posts! Thanks
Thanks!