Expectations of our children
What are our expectations of our children on a homeschool day? How much ‘should they’ be doing? How many extra curricular activities ‘should they’ be attending? How much work ‘should they’ be completing each day? How many social activities ‘should they’ be part of?
I have three boys, and each of them benefit and flourish in different environments. There is no should be with children. What I ‘expect’ of them differs not only according to their personality and temperament, but also where they’re at emotionally on a week to week basis.
Do our expectations and what we value match up?
We think we know our children intimately. But how often are you surprised by your individuals at home? I know I’m surprised daily! I may know how my child acted yesterday, but I think we should prepare to be surprised each day, as they grow and develop. Children are developing and maturing every day. Sometimes they need a step back, and that can look like regression, before the next step up. This similar principal comes up in building a rapport with a horse – it builds incrementally in stages. Maybe you’ve worked for a long time and are right up there on a level 10 with your companion, or child or mentee, but each day, we all need to ask the question, and build up from level 1.
I believe this is one of the advantages of homeschooling – there is room for this kind of grace in a homeschooling day. This gentle start can be achieved if time is made for it in the morning. What does it look like? Well it certainly doesn’t look like ‘expectation’, or ‘should be’. This room for growth looks like time, relationship, loving attention, space, and play – out door activities, or indoor choices.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/attention-in-home-education/
Learning preference
I mentioned my three boys – three very different boys. What I expect of each of them educationally on a homeschool morning looks different. I have a dreamer – he is very creative, interested and active. However sit him down and ask him to concentrate on a given subject – well let’s just say he moves to his own beat. Self discovery is essential to bringing out the best in him. Ok, some learning is not optional, but mandatory learning is much better set where he can see an end goal – once he’s completed the work, it’s done. I don’t have a period of time I need to fill for him after he’s finished. This approach really helps with motivation.
He is able to spend the newly available time pursuing his interests and talents, or simply fulfilling what builds him up. Time spent on these activities capitalises on his choices he may make in the future. It is an opportunity that school/child care systems don’t have the capacity to offer. Actually, my other children are not all that different in this regard. They vary on the ‘motivated versus dreamer’ scale. But all three, I believe, benefit greatly from having set work, and goals for mandatory work laid out, with time on the other side for what particularly floats their boat.
Extra curricular – persistence
There is so much pressure to comply with extra sporting activities and additional talents after school hours. The expectation for our children to be well accomplished is insurmountable. I am a piano teacher, and can greatly see the benefits of acquiring a skill to feel capable in. Perhaps though, our child is not particularly adapted our personal choices as parents. One of my children opted to stop learning piano, which I have supported. Or perhaps they don’t lean to sporting activities. Do they enjoy the dynamic? Or would they rather not be there. Or perhaps they are uncomfortable with the physical proximity of their peers.
We like to teach our children perseverance and commitment, and to encourage them out of their comfort zones. However, I feel sure that the commitment they are already required to show is plenty to keep them flourishing. With their work and education, and the commitment to their siblings and all the challenges, I feel sure that they are already learning commitment. It is possible to find activities they can thrive in, whether formal adult led activities or child led play time, without going down the route of ‘should be’.
Social capacity
How much time ‘should’ our children be spending socialising? After all, at school they have seven hours together, navigating social structures. I think an interesting consideration here is the length of time during this school day that the children are required not to talk to one another, but to stay quiet and learn for the duration of each school period. This adult led, educational capacity cannot be compared to a child led, socialising capacity. They have their break and lunch time, where, the monkeys, they have a lot of steam to let off, or often in the case of children with neuro-diversity, down time to be had.
Really, I write this blog with the latter in mind, the neuro-diverse, since neuro-typical children are apt at the game, and at making it work for them. And for these children, the therapeutic dose of socialising time can be much less than the average, with much down time and recuperation required after. Additionally, it occurs to me that it is possible to be in isolation even when surrounded by the crowds. I think many people can relate to this if they look back on their school years. Our expectations of our children can be crowd led.
With our ever adapting brains though, I think it is a skill that can be built upon, given the social time our children invest in is well supported and with mentoring available. Where experiences are positive, I would suggest that capacity for socialising can be grown. And where we have more sensitive children, grace would suggest being open to time adjustments and emotional support, if the experiences are to be beneficial.
Parental preferences and patience
That said, us parents in the homeschooling community are the ones facilitating all of this. Where are our boundaries? Up to this point we have discussed our expectations of our children. However, we need to consider expectations of us – our own expectations, and those of our children. What are we able to provide in this marathon of an endeavour – homeschooling? Socialising can be challenging for parents too. I find that fitting in a healthy mind set of socialising, whilst navigating all of the above, as well as my own work and house work, is challenging. There are seasons, with more, and with less, but rather than be dragged along, boundaries are essential. I think for me, the main thing is to keep the ball rolling, and seek opportunities for the children that I can manage too.
Confidence in the plan, and the children’s ability
When considering our expectations of our children, I believe we can trust in the plan. We value our children, and who they are. We let their roots run deep. I believe we can have confidence in God’s plan for them, and for ourselves. We don’t know their future, so we can’t prescribe them a childhood for their future. We can only build them up for their future.
Genesis 1, the creation story, emphasises the importance of rest. We can have the confidence to give up striving; and to live in faith, hope and love. Work well, play well and rest well.
https://homeschooladventure.org/2020/09/14/my-favorite-part-of-my-day/
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