ADHD at home – how our house sounds now
Such a struggle it was, nurturing our children as they spent so much of their waking hours at school, set to spring, and struggling to navigate relationships in a predominantly neurotypical classroom. How our house sounded in those days as our children processed their experiences on a daily basis back at home, is so very different from how it sounds now, with 3 homeschool boys all flourishing as they grow and learn each day.
As always, this blog isn’t written to bring down the different choices of others, but to encourage. Despite the norm, and the voices that doubt your instinctive judgement, the encouragement is to trust yourself on behalf of the children. When we break out of the mould, and choose a different route for our children, they can thrive. The encouragement is to trust your parenting instinct, despite how hard the high voices from within the system grip. ADHD at home can become an opportunity, not a ‘disability’. The opportunity is to seek wellness, rekindle relationships, bore deep into the roots of family, and to unearth overflowing childhood and creativity, within community and away from the burdens of adults.
ADHD in schools
Recently, I have been coming across media posts that suggest that ADHD in children is caused by rigid, play deprived school systems. Voices from academics – psychologists and educators alike – suggest that symptoms of ADHD would decrease if children were allowed to play – really play – engage in free movement, and find motivation outside of a striving and stressful regime.
Does ADHD come from schools? Or is there more to it than that?
ADHD at home
But is it true? Do symptoms dissolve if children are taken out of schools and into a homeschool set up?
I have been thinking about this more recently as I look back over the last year of homeschooling with my boys. Last April I withdrew two of my boys from primary and secondary schools, and one from nursery. At that time, symptoms of ADHD were hard to manage, and isolating.
Nature therapy last year
Tempers were high. ‘Nature therapy’ as I called it, where I facilitated time and opportunity for my children to vent at nature’s elders – the trees, was a necessary part of my boys’ mental health as they processed their experiences of their school day.
In their turmoil, anxiety and low moods I would try and convince my children that I was on their side – I was ‘for them’. And they would try and make sense of this reality of a supportive family, within a community that put them in this institution probably most akin to a prison.
What we sounded like last year
Last year, I think my neighbours probably had quite a bit to say about my children suddenly spending so much time outside, right next to their sanctuary of retirement and tranquility. Now they found themselves next to a barrage of shouting and fighting, wrestling and adjusting. ADHD at home can feel relentless.
Obviously this is fairly normal for boys, whether neurodivergent or typical, at least in our country. But the unrest involved was something else. The noises and behaviours were explosive, impulsive and would often illicit a strong reaction from anyone nearby who was effected by the sudden uncontrolled actions and communication.
Stress of young boys staying still
Stress was high. My children had spent the best part of their days in their classrooms, with no social or emotional support. Of course every part of their growing bodies wanted to be exerting themselves, although the exhaustion from the stress and lethargy of the day was in stark contrast to this restlessness. Unbeknownst to them, their bodies were willing them to testing their own limits, building themselves up, physically, and in confidence, all in the confines of a row of desks in a classroom.
I can remember watching them fling sticks, and bang them til they broke, again and again and again. I thought, this is the best thing for them. Boys have so much to let out.
Nature therapy after a year of homeschooling
But now, with a years homeschooling under our belt, and with sticks still being thrown and pounded against rocks and trunks, there is a different sense of accomplishment. These voices are now sounds of playing children. This is no longer constant, overwhelming frustration, voiced through flinging arms and legs. There is a sense of agency. They have ideas. There is often an aim. Usually something is being built, or a game involving complex cooperation is underway. They can contribute with their strength, and feel a strong sense of worth.
And actually, when we think about all the effects of ADHD, usually all being identified as problems in school, at home these are changing in presentation. This creativity has so much potential, that they are able to focus. The irony is that focus was one of the traits that alludes ADHD children in schools.
But given space, grace and opportunity for movement and ideas, these children can excel far beyond expectations. ADHD at home affords so much more understanding, children are no longer diagnosed with disorders, but with some patience and understanding can be appreciated for their unique gifting.
Some observations
As someone who does not claim to be qualified in the subject of neurodiversity, I can share some observations I have made recently about symptoms of ADHD at home, in our own home.
- One year later, symptoms are less pronounced. We used to have explosive noises that would pierce your ear, sometimes directly aimed into your ear. These are very rare now. Banging our heads, grabbing our things, and enormous emotional outbursts are now much less common.
- But I couldn’t say that all impulsivity is gone. Nor is the tendency to talk out of turn regardless of the person standing right in front. Impulsive argumentativeness is still prolific if there is any hint of an opportunity. And if I stand next to a puddle, the impulse to kick water is still too immediate to avoid getting splashed.
- Traits of being determined and obstinate, often to the point of detriment, and so that basic and necessary tasks can be neglected, is something I still notice in our day to day.
- The lethargy that comes with the territory is much less marked.
- Related ODD symptoms seem harder to shift. Habits such as stealing, deception and addiction are definitely something that needs ongoing support. That said, I would say there is a marked improvement.
- Finally, what seems to be major a pathology of ADHD – anxiety and depression – are completely eradicated.
- A final note, symptoms of ADHD are not to be confused with the symptoms of ASD. It seems to me that behaviours linked to ASD such as stimming aren’t to be confused with impulsive actions. As I will mention, with supportive and therapeutic input we can see great improvements in the lessening of acute symptoms of ADHD. But while ADHD is as much nurture as nature of brain condition, ASD is really entirely nature, or genes. So this kind of healing, while still possible through the brain’s ability to grow and develop, is going to be a much more gradual and strategy implementing procedure.
Neurodiversity of the growing brain
I am delighted about this – symptoms of ADHD at home are reducing, and discrepancies becoming more and more irrelevant to everyday function and relationships!
I have believed for a while that symptoms of neurodiversity can surely be worked on, since the brain is a growing, ‘evolving’ organ. I have felt sure that, in the same way that any physical ailment can be improved with therapeutic physio, any discrepancies in the brain can also be supported therapeutically.
While symptoms do persist in our family life, they are not in any way the kind of unmanageable, acute outbursts of behaviour that we experienced for so many years (a decade) while my son was in school.
Sea otters hold hands
These children who are likely highly sensitive in nature, and also very curious, have got so much to offer if they can be properly supported in a child friendly way.
Sea otters hold hands while they are sleeping. This is an evolutionary trait that supports their own survival, and probably also strengthens their bond between each other.
We would never say, “Well, now it’s time to start being civilised. Enough of that life giving holding hands – if fact, lets set tests on how long you can stay still. Without holding hands. And actually if you could swim a little less. You know, just don’t move at all. In fact, here’s a chair for you to not move in. If you manage, I’ll guarantee you all the fish you need, and some extra to decorate your chair with, – for as long as you stay in your chair. (Even better, this convenient fish will be hydrogenated for quick and easy production) What? You’re anxious? You’re depressed? You’ve obviously been moving too much. What did I tell you about sea otters that hold hands and get out their chairs…”
To support good brain growth, and reduce acute symptoms of ADD, we need to support our children to be more connected, and to play more, and to reengage with that agency that supported the survival, and wellbeing of our race for millennia.
Supporting the growing brain
On the other hand, I understand that children with ADHD (nurtured in an active and creative lifestyle) are often found to
- excel in the problem solving and ideas capacity.
- Also, in areas of personal interest, concentration to the task at hand is often found to be exemplary amongst children who benefit from homeschooling. I have certainly found this to be the case with my children.
Is it pandering?
Does this mean I am pandering to my obstreperous children? Should they not learn to comply with our adult burdens, and adult standards?
Not at all. As we continue to homeschool, and nurture our children with ADHD at home, in their education through play, art, science and literature, their ability to pay attention to tasks, not of their own choice, is growing. I think it is to do with nurturing motivation through their own interests, but also the non-stressful environment, and growing confidence seems to play a key part.
What is ADHD
There are a lot of different understandings of ADHD. Wherever I look, each person seems to have a slightly different idea of what it actually is, how it came about, how it affects our youth, and how it can be treated. I have found it all very interesting, because I think it builds an in-depth picture of our presentation (mine and my affected children). Also, I can relate to most of what is being said, even though each angle that professionals take can be really quite different. Very briefly, I’ll go through several of the understandings of ADHD that I’ve stumbled across here.
Various slants on the theme of ADHD
Jordan Peterson
- He talks about how it can be a ‘catch all diagnosis’. Peterson is referring mostly to hyperactivity in school here. He points out that there are so many different causes of this kind of behaviour, whether derived by nurture or nature, and that currently it is often put under an umbrella diagnosis of ADHD.
- He ‘hesitates to make the presumption that children exhibiting ADHD are of different neurological type’. Children who present as hyperactive in schools do not necessarily have a neurological disfunction.
- ‘Hyperactivity is an iatrogenic disease created by schools. They should play to the point of exhaustion.’
Play seems to be the main solution implied by Peterson, with the benefits of Ritalin majorly disputed. Ritalin, an amphetamine, is often prescribed for children to ‘help’ them with their attention in ‘learning’. Peterson talks about the effect of this drug on the brain, expressing that the effectiveness of the drug is not determinate by any sort of neurological disfunction. Ie, benefiting in concentration on Ritalin would not indicate that anyone has ADHD. Rather, amphetamines would have said effect on any person, specifically a strengthened grip of attention on what they are attending to. However, while this might seem beneficial, it is in actual fact a slippery slope, in addiction and losing effectiveness, as well as defying its own purpose, as amphetamines inhibit play function, which is how children would most effectively learn.
Peterson – “We use amphetamines to conveniently modify the behaviour of bored boys, because we’re too stupid to construct our education systems in a manner that doesn’t drive them mad.”
Dr Russel Barkley describes ADHD as an executive function deficit disorder. He also describes it as a blindness to the future disorder. He wills parents to stop helicopter parenting, indicating that no input from the parent will alter any output from the child from quite a young age, but certainly by adolescence.
I would have to guess that the studies that he refers to to attain this sort of conclusion most likely were conducted on children who attended state schools. It is perhaps an indication of the breakdown of traditional family values due to state school system.
Carla Hannaford, author of Smart Moves, talks about the physiology of the brain, and mentions a smaller corpus callosum in children with ADHD. She links the lack of movement to lack of healthy brain development and learning potential. Hannaford advocates for Brain Gym as a tried and tested solution to focus and potential to learn. Encouragingly, she acknowledges the healing power of movement and play, and points out the link between making rights with difficult, possibly hurtful or traumatic experiences as a healing factor.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/let-them-play/
Bessel van der Kolk, author of The body holds the score – points out how similar brain waves in people with ADHD are to those with PTSD. People with ADHD can have an abundance of slower ‘theta’ brainwaves, resulting in a less focused, dreamlike state. Like Carla Hannaford, he mentions that these brain waves can be cured by therapy such as neurofeedback.
Peter Gray, American psychology researcher and scholar and leading advocate for homeschooling, thinks of ADHD as a valuable personality variation, not a disorder, and argues that it doesn’t necessarily interfere with learning outside of traditional schooling. (I would agree with this). Gray highlights the importance of play in development and learning, and naturally learning and developing skills. He states that individuals with ADHD symptoms can contribute to group problem solving with new ideas and thinking more creatively. Gray is a strong advocate for nurturing children with ADHD at home, having researched the benefits of a child friendly, supportive home life.
And finally, Gabor Mate, author of Scattered Minds, points out the link in highly sensitive children who were affected by stress in early childhood. Interfering with the crucial early stages of the developing mind, Mate describes how trauma, or stress has such a detrimental impact on the growing brain during the early years.
While children might be predisposed to ADHD, it is the environment and relationships that interfere with the developing brain. He describes trauma, not as an event itself, but as the reaction following an event. Trauma is the individual mind and body response to an event.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/jordan-peterson-on-time-out/
Taking responsibility
I do find all of these takes so very interesting, because, while they are so various, they do not contradict each other. Together they allude to a very complex physiology and psychological state of the ADHD mind.
In the end, all things considered, it is clear to me that ADHD is a state that with various input can move in the direction of resolution, certainly to become increasingly higher functioning socially, whether around family and peers.
I think we can take responsibility for ensuring that we are bringing up our children in an environment that prioritises the need and role of children within our community.
Whether benefiting from far more play, as suggested by Peterson and Hannaford, trauma resolution as alluded to by van der Kolk and Mate, practical solutions as suggested by Barkley, or simply embracing the individual gifts through play, understanding and cooperation as expressed by Gray, it is clear that the more support and grace we give, and the less of an issue that we make it, the more we will see softened edges around our experiences with children with ADHD at home.