Labelling children
One of the main reasons I started writing my blog was to share assurance with other parents that find themselves in similar situations as we have. This is an effort to encourage other parents like us to trust their intuition.
It took a decade of working around the school system to realise that it was a system that didn’t work for us. We found ourselves battling with the regime of the school. The labelling children by our trusted professionals led us to belief we were the problem. Plenty of children thrive in this regime. Or if not thrive, find ways to adapt, or, dare I say it, mask. But as we persevered with the system, we became increasingly convicted that it wasn’t serving our children well.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/children-be-children/
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/act-justly-love-mercy-and-walk-humbly-with-god/
Why we leant on the education system for so long
Why did it take so long to realise this? One reason is our reliance on the institution. Us parents live in a very boxed off world, each in our own home. There is a lot of categorisation in how we live, where we live. There is a lot of labelling children. I think most of us are looking to the professionals to tell us we’re doing ok. Perhaps that’s why we apply professionalism to our children, and require it from them now. In our institutionalised society we ourselves were raised in large part by the institution, are ‘supported’ by the institution, and look to the institution to raise our own children. Another reason is that schools are very vocal at telling us parents who our children are, what they need and what they could become. We look to the school as they are labelling children, so they can work on them.
Who let us have kids?!
But no matter the age we start, when we as parents have children we are fledglings in the adult world.
I think back to the first day we came home from hospital with our little newborn baby boy. “Are they really letting us leave?” I can remember joking – I knew nothing. I didn’t know how to talk to my (newborn) baby (how do you do?), or how to communicate with him (that’s an awful lot of noise you’re making), or soothe him when he was crying (why won’t he stop?!)
Looking to the professionals
We were not alone, but we just had to make it up. And as he grew, we continued to make it up. Guessing at every corner, we would trouble shoot anything with sleep deprived logic, or something appropriating common sense, and a often a late night google search (not always recommendable!) We lived on a very remote island, and learned to work it out for ourselves. Feeling so alone and out of my depth I can remember phoning the GP surgery with a bath related question.
But I know our situation here was not unique to us. Women have their babies and soon after they come home and their husbands are back to work. They find themselves alone, alone with a tiny, vulnerable baby, solely their responsibility. Many find groups and build communities, others do still have family close to them. But there are plenty that don’t, and who find themselves largely and very alone. Community support for new mothers – down to earth advice, reassurance, understanding and recuperation has (often all but the latter two) been delegated to professional care. We look to these professionals for their labelling children, so we can properly take professional advice on how to care for our children.
What do we know?
As a child we look to those in their 20s and imagine – they are so sorted. And in our 20s we assume those in their 30s are so sorted… We are all just making it up. It takes a certain type of personality not to require input and validation. Parenting is always a daunting task. Welcome to the backdrop that is, parents are looking to professionals for very sought after validation.
https://thereisnoshouldbe.com/our-professional-children/
Schools rely on good attendance
But it goes both ways – schooling is a business – professionals are looking to justify their professional success, and their financial viability, by maintaining a flawless client group record (school pupils’ attendance).
The requirements for pupils to attend are not just to provide for the families – it is for their own professional viability. It’s not just to facilitate regular reliable child care – it is also for their business to be viable. What school has ever admitted, ‘oh yes, actually, we’re not quite getting it right for your child?’ That would be most unprofessional.
The messages parents get
Parents are vulnerable in the face of professionals – health professionals, educational professionals and professional people of influence in society.
It starts with child care hours provided by the government, which most parents make full use of, and are encouraged to do so.
Initially, this could be time for ourselves to ‘get jobs done’, so we can ‘spend quality time’ with our children. This is until the daily questions flood in, often well before they’re in nursery – ‘what will you do with all your spare time?’ Society does not reward the stay at home mother. And yet, there is an inordinate amount of stress involved where we are to be out at work all day, on top of managing family life, day to day tasks and home keeping. Although it is a multifaceted problem, the effects of having a stressful home environment, where unpaid work isn’t valued, I believe can easily be seen in our surroundings and our society. The value and effects of a relaxed, stress free mother, and home, is immeasurable. Children benefit so much from steady, reliable, present parenting. I can’t say I’ve been all that, but it is my endeavour. And it is my priority in the face of a society that hails busyness, career success and striving.
“Children need to socialise” is another message that I hear. “They need to learn some independence.” “They need to learn to fall in line.” I believed it. These were key reasons that led me to believe that school must be the best thing for my children. So much so that, despite them presenting with so much anxiety, and the distance that was growing between us, I truly believed it was better than the presence of nurturing, genuine, family living that we now aspire to.
An encouragement
As I said, I chose to write this blog to encourage other parents who see their children’s struggle. To encourage that homeschooling can be a valid, precious, and wonderful upbringing, socially, for family and community, for presence of self and for learning options, and for valuing our children enough to choose to be around them. But it must be said, even children who don’t struggle in the education system can also greatly benefit from the nurturing homeschool option.
School pressure
But the main difficulty with choosing homeschooling is not just social stigma and pressure from those around us. It is also the messages we receive from the school as they are labelling our children. These, the professionals who we look to for advice and support on this rollercoaster ride of a parenting adventure. They (as a generalisation) see the upbringing of our children through the isolated lens of their economical capacity. Their worth is in the learning plan tick boxes. Neurodiversity certainly does not fit this mould. Moral thought, creative thinking, active exploration and compassionate, empathic conversations are not the core principle here. Maintaining a quiet classroom environment, analytical learning and compromising to the lowest denominator in behaviour however is.
The assumption.
The following are some assumptions that have been made on behalf of my children while we have navigated schooling in the system. Although it must be noted that currently all of these problems are happily resolving following our decision to homeschool. These assumptions involved labelling children according to the classroom environment. With time outside and creative autonomy I find the ‘problems’ previously troubling us all to have dissipated.
One ‘problem’ that was identified on behalf of my child was that he was not fitting into the school dynamic – he was ‘disruptive’ in the classroom, uncooperative in PE, and not fitting in with normal playground activities. Hyper-vigilant was a word used to describe him. And my son also had his own way of describing the displacement he felt. He could sense the prevailing preference towards his peers, by many of the staff and by his peers.
But of course, the priority of the school was generally: observing attendance, falling in line, learning to cope with social dynamics, concentration levels, and academic output. Where he was falling short, on all of these ‘values’, it was because of him. All fingers pointed at him. And us parents, when we were struggling with school attendance, or school refusal.
During this time of school refusal the head teacher even suggested she come to our home in the morning to bring him in. There is a lot that could have been considered if we’d all looked at the three fingers pointing back away from the child. Why was he so anxious about attending? Why was he so restless? Why was he struggling so much with his peers – was something going on that might benefit from supportive adult input? Why was he struggling to concentrate? Why had he lost all motivation to learn?
We were told that he must learn to cope. After all, school represents all manner of future experiences. He must learn to adapt at all costs, and pull himself together so he can grow up well educated, well rounded, with healthy relationships and a good work ethic. And if he doesn’t learn to resign to this environment he perceived as challenging, he would fail in all of these matters.
School is not the maker of all things
On this point alone I can wholeheartedly contest this point of view. School does not represent all manner of every future experience he will come across in adult life. At all. And labelling children within this short sighted environment seems a very poor indicator.
His mental health improved when we allowed him to say no to this environment that he felt trampled on him. When he could say no, he became more resilient. I have not ever perceived my children to gain resilience by distancing him from his connections, quite the opposite.
In terms of falling in line – he has learned a better work ethic and developed his interests alongside the people he connects with by not forcing himself, a growing boy, to sit at the desk all week long, as he did in high school during classes, break and lunch. He contributes now, offers to put the shopping away, willingly does the dishes, and he finds so much interest around him, now that he is not held in the factory line.
Learning to cope with social dynamics – he is empowered to say no. We are able to support him emotionally through his relationships. We are able to lay down foundations of morality, and boundaries, which are not challenged by the unmanageable pupil to teacher ratio, nor by the limits imposed on the teachers on what they should or cannot say.
Concentration levels and academic output? My son works harder academically in one hour of homeschool than in a week of his time at high school. His motivation to learn is rekindled, and is increasingly able to concentrate for longer periods of time. He is able to work hard, and he also enjoys extended periods outside in recreational activity. Ever more, his withdrawn, lethargic sense is dissipating, and is replaced with an engaged sense of presence. He is not worrying about the behaviour of his peers around him for daily and prolonged periods of time, or of how he is perceived by the pupils and adults. Encounters are still available, but not so constant. And he engages in stimulating small group or one to one discussions on topics we’re studying, connecting with the children and adults that he learns alongside. This sense of self is an asset he can bring into adult life. A slightly sheltered upbringing perhaps, I would argue supported, but following a decade of school and the resulting anxiety and depression, I value the resulting positivity and deep roots for my children.
Labelling children
Labelling children – Labels such as lazy, hopeless, inconvenient, disruptive and unsociable were applied to my child who wasn’t able to mask in the classroom environment. Outside of school though, these labels proved blatantly untrue. But I have found that in the right environment, a supportive environment, rich in connection, these couldn’t be further from the truth.
In homeschool it takes understanding to work through the disruptions that come with ‘hyper-vigilance’, but mostly it takes adapting the environment to a settled place. All fingers, all eyes are not on the individual, but rather on forging reciprocal, connective relationships in a genuine, loving and supportive environment. Rather than competing in a hierarchical social system, the goal is to focus on meaningful relationships. There is plenty of challenge enough for lessons to be gleaned in life and within this framework.
These sensitive children that struggled in school can be very capable, and very compassionate. Be assured, there are jobs available for this type of personality, and successful lifestyles. In the right environment these children can reach their full creative and academic potential. With a ratio of few teachers to many pupils, schools are not programmed in favour of the more sensitive individual. But it is an oversight of society to imagine that the ability to socialise in large swarms of peers is the only way to succeed. There is plenty of room for the more gregarious character types, and also for the more sensitive types.
https://www.theparentingjunkie.com/are-you-labelling-your-child/
https://www.blog.montessoriforeveryone.com/is-labeling-kids-a-mistake/